


No Longer a Place

by innusiq



Category: Captain America (Movies) RPF
Genre: Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 17:50:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8294710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innusiq/pseuds/innusiq
Summary: The ups and downs of Hollywood relationships, with a side of Chris taking care of Sebastian





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to just be a little continuation of the boys caring for each other, this time Chris taking care of Sebastian, but it kind of got a little out of hand (not complaining though).

There are definitely ups and downs to keeping a relationship secret in Hollywood. Chris has been in a handful of relationships since starring in his first big screen (small budget and low brow) film, and every relationship always starts out that way, in secret. Relationships are hard enough in general at the start, learning about each other, navigating the _honeymoon_ stage of feelings and separating the excitement of it being _something new_ from _longer lasting_. Even after, when it’s decided the time is right to _come out_ so to speak, it’s always a tricky situation taking that initial step to letting the outside world into this new part of one’s life. Essentially, it’s a courtesy granted by any new Hollywood couple, or really more a _compromise_ made to stifle the shit storm rumor mill the media tends to drum up, fact or fiction, which generally ends up putting a strain on any fledgling relationship. He’s experienced the ups and downs of social media (no matter how far removed he tends to keep himself), and in the end it seems every relationship in his past has never really survived the battle scars inflicted by uninformed popular (or not so popular) opinion. Imagine taking past experience and applying it to his present-day relationship, it isn’t any wonder that nearly two years into seriously dating Sebastian, sharing that part of his life with the media is still low on the radar of action plans for his ( _their_ ) life. It isn’t that he cares about what the media has to say, or the affect of him being in a relationship with another man will have on his career, but their relationship is something he wishes to protect for as long as possible, because some days it feels like the life they’ve created together is the only thing that gets him through. Having Sebastian to come home to, even when they are on completely opposite sides of the continent talking via Skype after a long day on set, is the best thing in the world he isn’t willing to ever give up.

The ups, well, there are a million ups he could list, some important and some more mundane. The happiness that blossoms within his chest whenever their eyes catch across the room, whether it be at some Hollywood, black-tie gathering, the movie set, or just walking from his kitchen into the living room and Sebastian’s attention turns from whatever he’d been reading to focus specifically on Chris. The way he never needs to explain the low levels his over active mind tends to spiral into and how easily Sebastian is able to not just pick up on them but also quiet down the noise in his head. The sex, dear God the sex isn’t just amazing, it’s something he can’t adequately ever put into words. Chris has had his fair share of partners, there is no question or secret about that, but he’s never felt so _connected_ to another person as he does Sebastian, no matter how clichéd or romantic or generally sappy and corny that may sound. It’s more than simply knowing what the other likes and needs, it’s a feeling of completeness that overshadows everything and tends to take his breath away each and every time since the beginning. And God damn it, he is man enough to admit needing cuddles from time to time, and cuddles with Sebastian, either after mind blowing, knock your socks off sex, or a lazy Sunday afternoon spread out on the couch with the television on in the background while they both doze the afternoon away… yes, Sebastian cuddles are probably one of the best things in the whole damn world.

The downs are infinitely equal in number to the ups, sometimes just one-off things that happen on any given day or other everyday experiences that are just as affecting (but opposite in nature) as the ups. Seeing a unnamed couple holding hands in line at the local Starbucks, as if there is nothing wrong with such a small display of affection (and there isn’t), while he stands in the same queue behind Sebastian who is staring forward, not seeming to pay any attention to the couple yet Chris knows that isn’t true by the shifting of Sebastian’s jaw and tightening fist before its shoved into a pocket. Last year during a visit home in Boston, he’d been asked to watch his niece and nephews for the night because his sister and brother-in-law were going out to celebrate their anniversary and Chris couldn’t help thinking back to the month prior when Sebastian and he celebrated their own one year anniversary in separate cities because it wouldn’t look good for Chris being seen traipsing across country to meet up with Sebastian for a quiet (romantic) dinner out to celebrate the fact they made it a year even though it barely felt like a month had passed. Wanting to kiss, hug, show any sort of affection because Sebastian _is_ his boyfriend and he loves him more than anything else in the world and he should be able to show the world just that but… but they can’t, because the world at large would not be as kind to such a revelation either by objective opinions, over zealous fan impropriety or industry prejudice, simply because his _significant other_ is a man.

Today feels a bit like one of the down days.

Chris is home, specifically back in Boston with his family, hunkered down in his childhood home for a week’s rest, and it’s comforting in a way. Here he can just be himself. Here he doesn’t have to watch every action or word he does or says. Here, the most he needs to put on in a day is a grungy pair of sweats and a lovingly worn Patriots T-shirt. Here he can breathe and not feel suffocated. Here he is just _Chris_ , where he’s expected to take out the garbage and help with the dishes because no matter what kind of _star_ Hollywood has made him, that status ends the moment he steps through the front door and he _loves_ it. Here he can pretend all the undue stress and insurmountable obligations cease to exist, but on the flipside, _here_ , he doesn’t have Sebastian with him and that is a huge downside of keeping a secret relationship in Hollywood. It isn’t that his family doesn’t know about them, of course they know. There isn’t any way he could be in close proximity of his mother and she _not_ know he was in love. The greatest thing about his family knowing is that they _love_ Sebastian too, even before Chris brought him home for the first time (rare as it is for them to be able to schedule a joint visit with the Evans family) and having only seen Sebastian briefly here and there during red carpet events, the day Chris finally brought his boyfriend home to _officially_ meet the family, his mom welcomed the other man into her home (and heart) as if he were just another member of the family, and what she did and said had everyone else following suite (not that he ever expected anything less from his family). Since their schedules are insane and don’t always jive for joint travel visits, not to mention Sebastian having his own, albeit smaller, family to squeeze seeing into their downtime, it’s a choice they decide to make separate trips alone for family visits _home_ , much to Chris’s dismay but then again, he understands why Sebastian insists and respects their agreed upon decision (even if he tries bucking it each time it’s brought up while in the planning stages). 

A kiss is pressed against his temple, startling Chris out of his thoughts. Before him on the kitchen table is a cooling cup of coffee and he looks up to see his mother’s worried eyes assessing him. Even if she asks what’s wrong, he doesn’t know if he can explain, aside from saying _it’s complicated_ or _my brain is just fuzzy this morning_.

“You’re thinking too much,” his mom says as she moves by to pour herself a cup of coffee and adding to his own to warm it up first before taking a seat across from him. “Anything you want to talk about?”

Chris shakes his head, taking a sip before responding. “If I say no, will you be mad?”

She laughs. “Of course not, but I wouldn’t be your mother if I didn’t ask.”

He smiles sheepishly, knowing his mom means well and knowing how much she wants to help even if it’s something completely out of her hands. It helps the noise in his head quiet a bit, not completely, but it’s marginally easier to muddle through.

“Just know that I care about you and Sebastian both, and I want to see you _both_ happy,” she adds, and damn it if she isn’t near the truth of whatever’s going on inside his head, and she laughs again. “Mom’s always know.”

“Dude,” Scott exclaims excitedly, joining them in the kitchen and grabbing his own cup of coffee. Chris isn’t even sure when his little brother arrived. “Why didn’t you tell us Sebastian was coming too?” 

Chris nearly chokes on his next sip of coffee, barely getting out, “H-He’s not…”

Scott continues, not acknowledging Chris’s response. “I mean, this is like a _big deal_ right? You rarely bring him with you, so it’s gotta be…”

“Scott, he’s not…”

“Did you tell the kids? More importantly, did you tell Miles? That kid is gonna go banana’s….”

“Scott!” Chris shouts, finally capturing his brother attention and ignoring their mother’s snickers into her coffee because she obviously has more experience than anyone with how the Evans boys communicate and always finds it humorous. “Seb is not coming this week. He’s visiting his mom and stepdad in New York.”

Scott’s mouth, which had stopped midsentence at Chris’s own exclamation and remained gaped a moment, snaps shut as his head tilts to the side in confused contemplation before saying, “Well, you might want to check the front stoop because I’m pretty sure it’s Sebastian I passed on the way in, or his twin… does he have a twin… you never told…”

Chris ignores his brother’s laughing as he nearly topples the kitchen chair he previously occupied in his haste to reach the front door where, indeed, he catches sight of Sebastian through the screen door puffing away on a cigarette, hand visibly shaking, and dear God this can’t be good.

“Seb?”

Sebastian starts at the sound of his name, mid-drag of the cigarette in hand, holding in the pull before releasing it slowly and turning to face Chris while stepping on the discarded butt. Sebastian looks awful, Chris observes: dark rings under normally bright and expressive eyes which are more clouded over and wet; his longer _Bucky Barnes_ hair hanging more limp and unkempt as if fingers have been pulling the stands every-which-way in frustration; normal, confident stance giving way to a beaten down hunch as if Sebastian has recoiled into himself; All Chris wants to do is protect his boyfriend from whatever’s happened.

“Hey,” Sebastian returns in an attempt to make it seem almost normal for him to show up at his boyfriend’s parents’ front door, and while this should be normal, God Chris wishes this was completely normal, it’s not and the noise in Chris’s head increases tenfold with all the possibilities that have brought Sebastian to retreat here. “I… I needed somewhere to go and I didn’t… I couldn’t… alone, and you were here…”

He doesn’t let Sebastian say anything further before pulling his boyfriend into a crushing hug, shushing the unnecessary words Sebastian can barely finish but also can’t seem to stop. It’s almost frightening how tightly Sebastian seems to cling onto him in return, along with the hiccough gasps that escape against his neck.

“Babe,” Chris whispers, tightening his own hold as the gasps turn into stuttered and nearly breathless sobs of a man having held in emotions far too long. “Hey, hey, hey, shhhhhhh. I got you.”

Sebastian nods against his shoulder, nose burrowing into the crook where neck and shoulder meet, allowing the floodgates to finally release, and all Chris can do is hold on and be the rock he himself doesn’t feel capable of, but needs to be nonetheless. In that moment he pushes away all his own worrisome thoughts and concerns, all his insecurities and questions and _noise_ , because all that is secondary now. All that matters now is taking care of Sebastian and making sure _he_ is okay.

Funny thing about crying, and Chris isn’t ashamed to admit he cries at least once a week (sometimes it’s over his anxieties, sometimes it’s a new dramatic movie he’s seeing for the first time, or it could even be his hundredth viewing of Bambi), but the thing about crying is sometimes, once you start, you can’t seem to bring yourself to stop. It’s like a vicious cycle of bottled up emotions, dam breaking in release, relief of having finally gotten it out and then overthinking again bringing a person full circle all the way back to square one. Chris has experienced this before, and Sebastian has witnessed Chris process through the emotional tilt-a-whirl cycle hundreds of times, but Sebastian… no matter how well the guy can portray pain and despair, agony and defeat on screen, Sebastian is not like Chris wearing his heart of his sleeves all the time, and seeing Sebastian like this is completely throwing Chris for a loop. It’s not that life doesn’t _affect_ Sebastian as much as Chris, or that he doesn’t have down days so to speak, but Sebastian tends to keep his emotions a little more under wraps than out for everyone and asunder to see. It’s generally when Sebastian’s been pushed to the brink that the guy finally lets go.

Chris doesn’t know how long they stay out on the front porch before going inside, all he does know it’s long enough that someone had shut the front door to give them privacy, and Sebastian is only marginally calmer than when he arrived. Chris is no more knowledgeable of the goings on that caused his boyfriend’s breakdown, but is trying to be as supportive as possible until Sebastian is ready to talk. He leads Sebastian inside and thanks God again for being blessed with the most awesome woman to call his mother.

“Sebastian,” she greets with a mother’s hug, a kiss on a stubbly cheek and no questions. “It’s good to see you, Sweetie.”

Sebastian clears his throat before responding. “Sorry for intruding…”

“Oh hush now,” she admonishes with a shake of her head and a stern look. “It is literally impossible for family to intrude. I was more upset when Chris showed up without you, so please no apologies and no feeling guilty. This is your home, too.”

She hugs Sebastian again and gives Chris a look over his boyfriend’s shoulder that reassures everything is going to be okay before pulling back. “Lunch will be ready in a hour and Carly and the kids should be here…”

As if on cue, the front door swings open again, the boys running in with Carly chasing after, toting a sleepy-eyed Stella on her hip. “Boys! Manners,” Carly shouts after them as she shuts the door.

“Sebby!” Miles squeals, small feet pounding their way into the living room until his small body connects with Sebastian’s, spindly arms wrapping around a muscular leg, as his nephew grins up at the man in question. 

Chris watches the previous strain and stress and despondency melt away when Sebastian looks down at Miles and smiles, reaching out a hand to ruffle up the boy’s hair. “Hey Kiddo, you look to have grown five feet! What is your mom feeding you?”

Miles makes a face (because Chris knows very well his nephew’s likes and dislikes list changes and grows by the minute) and sticks out his tongue stating, “Bwussels spwouts.”

Sebastian chuckles, crouching down to Miles’s level to tweak his nose. “Aw man, brussels sprouts are my favorite! Maybe you should keep on trying them, hey Bud?”

His nephew eyes Sebastian skeptically. “I guess…” Miles says, though Chris highly doubts that is going to happen without a fight (one Carly is well versed and prepared for), and then Miles is off on a completely different track, taking hold of Sebastian’s hand and pulling to lead him away. “Come on. Wet’s play Sowwy!”

Sebastian laughs, an honest to goodness, happy sounding noise giving Chris a little glimmer of hope that everything is going to be alright, that whatever’s happened they’ll get through like always. He watches Sebastian trail after Miles towards the playroom his Mother set up for the grandkids and breathes a little easier when his sister passes Stella off to him so she can help their mother in the kitchen prepare lunch.

It ends up being long after dinner, long after dishes have been cleared, washed and put away, long after they’ve worn all the kids out and it takes Chris, Carly and Scott to carry all three of the rugrats out to his sister’s car (even his eldest nephew) that Chris and Sebastian finally get some time alone to talk about what happened earlier, what brought Sebastian here in the first place, but Chris can’t complain about the time between then and now. The time spent with his family and the kids had a night and day affect on Sebastian that Chris is again eternally grateful for being a part of this wonderful and amazing and caring family. He hopes Sebastian understands how important he is not only to Chris but the rest of the Evans family as well. 

Leaning against his closed bedroom door, Chris takes a moment to watch Sebastian sat at the end of his bed, head hanging low and staring at the rug between his multi-colored-polk-a-dotted socked feet, hands clasped between his knees. Sebastian is back to his reserved self, but Chris can still tell all is not right by the way Sebastian twists at his fingers, cracking a knuckle here and there, and the slight tremor bounce in his right leg. “You wanna talk about it?”

It’s a sad laugh he receives first, before Sebastian meets Chris’s eyes, looking more vulnerable than he’s ever seen.

“Memory is a funny thing, ya know?” Sebastian says, pausing to take a deep breath and releasing it slowly. “I remember the day Mom and I left Romania _for a better life_ , she’d said, and logically… or for as much logic a kid of eight can have… I should’ve been happy in that moment but I all remember is being scared. We were leaving our _home_ and I couldn’t imagine… I guess… Easier to face a known fear than the fear of uncertainty, but Mom… she was so happy and strong… I remember thinking how much braver she was than me. I just remember feeling thankful she was my mom in the moment… still thankful to this day.”

Sebastian gets up and paces a bit, organizing thoughts, Chris thinks, before continuing.

“I remember the day we left Vienna. It wasn’t the same as leaving our home back in Romania… Vienna was… nice. It was four years of… peace really, that is what I remember most about living there, but when Mom announced we were moving to the States… while it was a bit daunting not just moving from one country to another, but a whole continent away with a huge ocean between points A and B… I remember feeling really _excited_ about the move. I can’t say the transition was all that smooth. It took time to get settled in… to not feel like the _odd man out_ at every turn or every time I walked into a classroom, but we settled and we finally made a _home_. It felt like home.”

There was an upturn at the corner of Sebastian’s mouth during the relay of memory, a common reaction when something really pleased Sebastian but he was suppressing the full affect from being seen, like hiding a private moment from the world at large even if it’s only Chris in the room with him. Sebastian looks up at Chris, eyes glassy as he swallows hard, Adam’s apple bobbing with effort, and clears his throat.

“I remember the day my mom and stepdad got married… I’m not… you know I’m not that vested in the whole marriage deal… that it isn’t something necessary…” Sebastian pauses and Chris nods, because he does know this. It isn’t that Sebastian is opposed to the whole idea of _getting married_ , he just doesn’t see it as a necessary progression between two people. “But God she looked so beautiful that day, and happy. I gave her away, ya know? We were really our only family here, and my Stepdad… it was kind of like me giving my blessing to them, something he needed. The way he looked at her as I walked her down the isle… I may not have known at the time the depth of those feelings, but I know now it was the look of a man hopelessly in love. The look of a man prepared to take on the responsibility of being not only a husband but a father, and it was the first time I remember looking at him and realizing that he was going to be my dad.”

Sebastian pauses, sniffing a bit and wiping at his nose with his shirtsleeve. When he meets Chris’s eyes again, he looks like he’s about to break.

“He didn’t remember me this weekend,” Sebastian admits through a cracked voice, as a wayward tear streams down his cheek.

“Oh _Seb_ ,” Chris murmurs, pushing off the door and attempting to close the distance between them before Sebastian jerks back, maintaining the space separating them.

“Don’t,” Sebastian warns, pacing to the other side of the room away from Chris. “I… I mean… it’s normal, right? This is supposed to happen. When I've gone for visits, there have always been moments, usually in the evening, when he forgets, gets lost in the past or hallucinations, but this weekend was… bad… and this morning… Mom suggested it best I leave because it was causing him to get agitated….”

“Seb…”

“It’s stupid, isn’t?” Sebastian asks, looking for Chris to agree that he is being unreasonable. “I mean I knew this was coming. This is just a normal progression of the illness. I’ve read hundreds of articles on Alzheimer’s and I’ve read more than a handful of books not just about it but support books too, and I know this stage is just another check off the list of things to come but…” Sebastian’s voice breaks off again, a gasp escaping and Chris sees it angers Sebastian by the frustrated groan he releases as he presses the heels of his palms against his eyes to will the tears away.

“But he’s your dad,” Chris completes, his own heart breaking with Sebastian’s heartbreak. “He’s your dad and you don’t want to lose him.”

Sebastian’s arms drop down to his side, eyes red rimmed and so tired as he whispers. “I already have, haven’t I?”

“No, Seb, no,” Chris disagrees as he crosses the room, this time Sebastian letting him close the distance, no resistance when Chris wraps his arms around Sebastian offering comfort, and love, and support. “He’s still your dad. You will never really lose him. You’ll always have him in your memories, and your mom’s memories too. I ain’t gonna lie, it sucks and it’s gonna hurt because yeah, it feels like he’s already gone, but this is just something you need to adjust to, learn to be prepared for….”

“I feel like I’m being selfish,” Sebastian admits against Chris’s shoulder. “My mom is there every fucking day, taking care of him and God she looks so tired and stressed out, and I have no right…”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Chris says, pulling away (not letting go) to look Sebastian in the eye when he adds. “You are allowed to _feel_ whatever you are feeling. You can feel angry and scared. You can feel selfish and relieved. You can feel numb if you need to. I hate to break it to you but you’re grieving.” Sebastian jerks at that word, but Chris pushes through. “And that is normal. That is okay, it doesn’t mean you are giving up, and you can still help your mom.”

Sebastian looks at him incredulously. “How? I’m always away. I’ve been so wrapped up in work and my own personal life…”

“We’ll make time,” Chris states, because damnit, there is no way Sebastian is going through this alone. “We’ll look into some home healthcare assistance to help your mom. We’ll do whatever we can, now that we know, but Seb, you are allowed to be happy too, even though you are grieving.”

Sebastian shakes his head. “How am I allowed to be happy?”

Chris smiles sadly, wiping away more of Sebastian’s stray tears before answering, feeling a bit selfish with his own words even knowing he’s right. “Because that is exactly what your mom wants, for you to be happy, for you to find that same happiness you remember seeing the day she married your stepdad.”

Sebastian’s shoulders begin shaking again as he quietly cries, releasing all the anger and frustration and grief that have been building up over the time since his stepdad’s diagnosis. Chris knows it wasn’t until recently that major symptoms started rearing their ugly head, and that this is the reason Sebastian always insisted on visiting home alone in order to maintain as much normalcy at his mom’s as possible, but now that Sebastian’s stepdad’s illness seems to be taking a turn for the worse, Chris doesn’t think he can agree to letting Sebastian go home alone anymore. 

Once Sebastian quiets down, Sebastian looks so spent that Chris takes it upon himself to get them both ready for bed. The fact Sebastian simply lets him tells the tale of just how exhausted his boyfriend is. Both donning a pair of Chris’s sleep pants and T-shirts, Chris settles Sebastian in bed before climbing in beside him and pulling the covers up. They quietly lay there, face to face, just watching each other in the barely there light, Chris pushing hair behind Sebastian’s ear and Sebastian breathing and seeming to relax into the care and love Chris offers. Sebastian drifts off first, eyes closing and breathing deepening into a slow and steady rhythm, even though he fights it at first. Chris continues watching his boyfriend sleep, feeling more than a little overwhelmed at the situation but all the same prepared to face it head-on for Sebastian’s sake. Chris thinks about cutting his time short with his own family and taking Sebastian back up to New York to discuss with Sebastian’s mom making arrangements for some home healthcare assistance. Perhaps too, it will be a good day when they visit, where Sebastian can have his _dad_ back, if just for a little while, and even if it’s not, Chris can be there for Sebastian to help him through.

Chris yawns and scoots a little closer, the movement seeming to pull Sebastian in a bit as his boyfriend subconsciously gravitates towards him as well. He closes his eyes as he wraps an arm around Sebastian and takes a deep breath, releasing it slowly as Sebastian continues to burrow against him with a sleepy-quiet sigh of his own. They always say _home is where the heart is_ , and before Chris’s heart has always been settled and well rooted in the city of Boston, but now… this is the first he realizes that home, _his home_ , is no longer a place, but a person.


End file.
